Your tits are I can't wait for
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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