U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
