And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Randomize
