Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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