The maid of honor just puked.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
