Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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