Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
