Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
