bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Couch. On fire.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
