first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
