I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
organizing the empties. That sober.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
