Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
