I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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