Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I met the friendliest cop last night
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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