One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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