I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Watching her eat just hurts me
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
