If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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