first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
