fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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