last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
