Your mouth is God's brothel.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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