He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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