If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
