So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
