I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
