can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
