Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
