threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
