I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
