if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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