swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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