I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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