How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
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so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
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the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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