my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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