Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
