so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
