Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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