Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
