I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
