im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
