If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
