My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
