she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
