He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
