I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
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