wanna go halves on a baby?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
