I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
