at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
