I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
