My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
my shit smells like andre
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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