I met the friendliest cop last night
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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