weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
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And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
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The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize