Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
