can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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