Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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