So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
