Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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