Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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