So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
please don't ironically join a cult
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